Have you ever felt like you and your partner are speaking completely different languages, even when you’re both trying your best? I know Lloyd and I have. It was about 15 years ago that we were bickering so much that I felt we may never be able to fully understand each other – after 10 years of marriage, running a business together, having shared hobbies and a busy family of 5 – miscommunication and frustration was becoming the norm. This was probably exacerbated by the fact that we are never apart (by choice).
We were saved by a book – you know that feeling when you learn the Biological Laws and light bulbs keep switching on – you know you will never see things the same again? Well this was just the same! Every page there was an “aha” moment, every chapter a new realisation.
The book? John Gray’s Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus!
I can’t remember whether I just came across the book or whether it was recommended to us, but either way we both decided to read it. So we could have time with 3 children, a business and evening classes to run, we decided to read it when we went to bed. And so we could read it together, one of us would read out loud and the other listen, then we’d chat about the chapter – and we both loved this approach.
I cannot begin to tell you the difference this made to us – finally we understood what each other needed and why we were giving each other the very opposite of this!
John Gray, author of the Mars and Venus books (and not to be confused with the scandalous Pastor John Gray, famed for his infidelity and sexual sin) encapsulates the concepts of this feeling of miscommunication and the reason behind it so well for so many of us. He painted men and women as coming from different planets – not to create more division, but to help us understand why we sometimes miss each others’ signals so completely.
I’ve found that when we gently explore these differences with an awareness of the Biological Laws of Nature, something beautiful can open up. It’s not about rigid rules. It’s about understanding – ourselves, each other, and the way our bodies and spirits respond to life’s unexpected shocks.
Different Purposes, Different Needs, Different Ways of Coping
When reflecting on Biological Living – something Lloyd and I have delved into recently while reflecting on the 5th Biological Law and researching the life we are Created to live, the following is clear:
The Biological Purpose of a man is to Protect, Provide and Produce.
The Biological Purpose of a woman is to Nurture, Nest and Nourish.
This is not being sexist or any other label – it is being biological and factual.
In the wild you can see this clearly – in packs where there is no propaganda, political influence or peer pressure, natural orders and ways will be very clear. When you look at the roles that women and men take on today, it is no wonder to me that there is so much conflict and chronic conditions.
John Gray’s work reflects these innate differences in purpose but he also noticed psychological differences.
Men often need space when life feels overwhelming. They retreat into their “cave” to process, solve problems quietly, or simply recharge. Respect, appreciation, and trust tend to matter deeply to them. Feeling needed and valued for what they bring can light them up; feeling criticised or controlled can shut them down fast. After all, their biological purpose in life is to protect, provide and produce and if they feel they are failing in this then the male ego can get defensive and kick back.
Women, on the other hand, often need to talk things through. Connection, empathy, and being truly heard without an instant “fix” can feel like oxygen to a woman. Security – emotional, relational, even practical – and quality time usually rank high. When a woman shares her heart, she’s often looking for understanding more than solutions. With reflection of the female biological purpose as being the one who nurtures, cares and socialises within the community, ensuring support and nourishment on all levels for her family. When she fails at this her self-value will suffer and she becomes prone to self-devaluation conflicts such as arthritis.
Conflict Influences
Of course these are general tendencies, not boxes we all fit into neatly. We’re all unique. Some women are more ‘male’ in their tendencies and vice versa, and there is a biological reason for this.
The Temporal Lobe area of the brain, which is a part of the Post Sensory Cortex of the Cerebral Cortex, is affected by female conflicts on the left, which influence oestrogen, and male territorial conflicts on the right, which influence testosterone. Biological Conflict programs (SBS) in this area cause fluctuations in ‘hormone status’. This makes the man have a female perception and the woman have a male perception. But then it gets even more complex…
Active Conflict programmes that affect both hemispheres of the brain cause what are known as Schizophrenic Constellations, which affect our behaviour and further disrupt the hormone status, and these Constellations can make the hormone changes longer-term and sometimes more erratic.
Then you have the menopause and andropause (male menopause).
This is when people default to the other side of the brain – i.e. a female’s perception becomes primarily male and the male primarily female.
This happens for a right-handed woman around age 51 and for the left-hander around 54. But for a man this happens between the ages of 70 to 75. This means that for around 20 years there are often two territorial ‘males’ in a relationship. An understanding of this can save a marriage!
Awareness is key
Recognising and becoming aware of both the Biological and Psychological patterns mentioned can soften those moments of frustration.
“He’s not rejecting me – he’s processing.”
“She’s not complaining – she’s connecting.”
When there is discourse and misunderstanding in a marriage, unexpected conflict shocks may occur in those sharp moments of feeling rejected, devalued, abandoned, or unheard, setting a biological programme in motion. Simply being aware of this can help us treat relational conflicts with more care, knowing they may ripple further than we realise.
Meeting Needs Is Essential, Not Optional
In recent years, we have been drawn to study the Bible together and this year is our Silver Wedding (and we are still together 24/7!). We have listened to Dave Hayes (aka Praying Medic) for several years, both politically and for his ministry, and decided to purchase his book “Wisdom in Marriage Made Simple”. Dave and his wife Denise write with real honesty about their own journey through broken relationships into a marriage that lasts. They emphasise that meeting each other’s core needs isn’t a nice extra – it’s foundational. Drawing on similar insights to His Needs, Her Needs, they note that respect is often vital for men, while security, emotional connection, and meaningful conversation often sit at the heart for women, reflecting the advice in the Mars and Venus books and also the Biological Purposes of each other.
They frame this beautifully through selfless love: choosing to put the other person’s needs ahead of our own comfort, not because we’re keeping score, but because we value the relationship more, embracing “greater love has no one than this…”
When we neglect these needs, distance can grow. When we intentionally meet them, trust and intimacy deepen. And from the Biological Laws perspective, those acute relational conflicts are allowed to resolve and heal with ease.
Conflict, Communication, and Real Transformation
John Gray gives us practical tools:
Men – learn to listen without immediately fixing;
Women – give space without taking it personally;
Both – translate each other’s language so fewer things get lost in translation.
More than this – true understanding of how men are and their biological purpose tells us exactly what they need and why they may be hurting, frustrated or angry that they perceive themselves to be failing in their purpose. An example is the fix-it. Men like to fix things for their partner. When they can’t they can feel like they have failed. Women often don’t want the fix, they just want a hug or for their partner to listen and get things off their chest. The man thinks she’s attacking him, and feels even more like he’s failing, retaliating with defensiveness.
Women – do you know the best way to make a man feel good? You honour his psychological needs and nurture his biological purpose! He wants to fix for you – give him something to fix, let him reach the high shelf for you, let him carry the heavy bags or open the door. Ask him to – he will willingly oblige and feel useful and worthy of your love. And who gets the rewards of his good mood? His partner!
Men – the best way to make a women feel good? Honour her psychological needs and biological purpose. Listen – REALLY listen. Allow her to tell you about her day, let her know she is heard. Ask her to cook something nice for you, allow her to care for you. Women thrive on caring. Acknowledge what she has done – we also thrive on appreciation as this tells us that you are nurtured and cared for, fulfilling our biological purpose!
Have you realised something yet?
The man’s needs are provided for by the woman’s Biological Purpose
And
The woman’s needs are provided for by the man’s Biological Purpose
It really is a match made in heaven!
Bringing It All Together in Everyday Life
So what does this look like day to day?
• Notice the differences without judging them. Give space when it’s needed. Offer respect and appreciation freely. Listen with your heart before offering solutions.
• Choose, again and again, to meet the other’s real needs as an act of love and ministry.
• Bring your struggles to God together (if you share the same faith) and individually. Let Him do the deep transforming work.
• Stay curious about the unexpected shocks that arise in your relationship. Name them, resolve them where you can, and trust that both your spirits and your bodies are designed for restoration.
A true understanding of each other, with mutual selfless service to each other, can free us from so much unnecessary misunderstanding.
Marriage isn’t about finding the perfect person. It’s about becoming the people God is shaping us to be, side by side – with patience, intention, and a lot of grace. Differences don’t have to divide us. With understanding, humility, and the quiet work of the Spirit, they can actually draw us closer.
Books mentioned and recommended:
Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, by John Gray
Wisdom in Marriage Made Simple by Praying Medic
I hope to soon have these available in my bookshop.